Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?