zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“A little help here, Danny?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
The internet is full of many things
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Every time.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.