When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!