Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*