thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.