RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Hotels are back
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them