My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
That’s easy for you to say
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’m already scared
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now