I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.