Not today
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
mom gave me mine for free
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it