Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
You Might Also Like
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Inside you there are two wolves
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.