If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.