6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
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Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”