My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to