CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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some cats are just doing for fun!
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
just having fun
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…