My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
asked my bf how work was today
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
These aliens are taking forever.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”