Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?