Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Hank is one in a melon.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.