[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.