My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i smell a pulitzer
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!