fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.