PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.