Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
This is amazing.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.