My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me irl
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Brilliant!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do