Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
apparently this year was written by stephen king