New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
john wicks are toilet candles
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?