Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
saw this in a dream
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest