Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…