Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The pasta is now
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
subtitles are so good nowadays
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.