It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
went fishing caught a bass
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵