Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.