It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
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Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.