I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
This checks out
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them