Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
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How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
What if the weather talks about us?