Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
then why did i get this email
Is Mercury still in the microwave?