Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”