GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Nice try, NASA
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A man of commitment.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone