Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents