If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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broke down and did it
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
found this cool rock hiking today
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.