i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth