Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Every work meeting this week
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers