1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.