The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
What?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
🙂🙃🥹
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet