sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”