I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I don’t think my car can fly
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood