I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
You Might Also Like
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*sewing*
A thread
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.