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If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Worst perfume name ever.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.