Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
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It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”