What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me if I was a dog
What my back needs
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
mood
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.