Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway