[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
That’s it.I’m out.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place